How to ride the tide?

A quick update as I sit here alone, for a change, with the boys out in my car.... Well, it appears almost everyone thinks I'm wrong, for taking these guys in. That it's a good hearted but foolish move. So the message I get, over and over, is that having a good heart is wrong, that having trust and hope is foolish, that selfishness is where it's at. If I sound bitter perhaps I am, or at least very sad.

Since I last posted the boy "Jim" did get out of jail, and going from being very happy to very, very stressed out in the space of two days caused me to tell he and his brother that they have to move out in a month. I actually gave them the date February 22, having had that day in my mind for something else, but the point is that we are moving towards closure -- or at least, I am. After a week of some hostility, some use of the silent treatment on the boys' part, they are back to business as usual. No, actually, they are a tiny bit humbler, and better behaved. Yet as I practice detachment with love (as the Alanon's say) I am watchful for an angry outburst, another lie, or another theft - because these things are sure to come yet again. It is the lies that disturb me the most, and the outbursts come a close second. Lurking behind both is the defense mechanism of "I didn't do it. I am right. I am right because I cannot be wrong, I would feel too awful. I am not bad; I can't admit to anything or you will think I am a bad person". This, after several years of building relationships, gaining trust, learning to trust them - or so I thought. It is heart wrenching; some might say heart breaking but mine is not broken.

However, the common viewpoint is follow your heart and you will be hurt, used, in serious trouble by association (drugs, violence), and you won't have a life of your own. Granted, I do want my life back, lonely as I know it will be, but that is to be able to process and write and learn and move on to my next project, which will still be all about young people like "my" boys.

And yes, I want less stress, less demands on my time and patience and sanity.... and no, of course I do not want to get in trouble - arrested, evicted, car crashed or any number of scenarios that could happen. But do I want to live my life in fear and worry of "what if"? Do I want to only play it safe, play by others' rules? Obviously not, since I don't. Still, it's disappointing, because I contacted a man who's an ex-offender (was in prison in his early 20's), who obtained a PhD and works with court systems and ex-offenders now, who advocates for them, for giving them chances, and tells their stories -- yet he is in the camp of I'm a "good hearted fool" also. No one uses the word "fool" but they might as well.

I was looking for some guidance on how to work with these boys, where to start to help them, and what I got was they are not motivated, you are at risk, you must get them out before something really bad happens. And warnings that they might go into rages when I try to ask them to leave, they might try to beg or manipulate me into being able to stay. Well, rages are not uncommon for Jim, but that has nothing to do with my seemingly rejecting him. If anything the boys seem to understand that I am doing them a favor, I don't have to do this and they at least sometimes seem to want to be good while they are here. They mess with me, joke around, insult me and are scarcastic, but at the end of the day they appear to respect me and do what I ask more times than not.

And in the spirit of logic, I wrote out a "pros & cons" type list last night. On one column I wrote all the bad things they have done, including things I think they did but lied about. On the other column I wrote all the positive things they have done or I have observed; changes from early behavior included. Granted, the positive things are for the most part quite small -- like Jim starting to bring his dishes in the kitchen, or taking the garbage out without being asked -- but they are positive nonetheless. The conclusion? The columns are equal length.

As much as the fear dogs me and and warnings continue to come, as much as I agree I am probably "enabling" them in the clinical sense of the word -- by not allowing them to follow their own paths, learn by their own mistakes -- I still feel, in my heart of hearts, that for now this is the right thing to do. Yet it must end, at some point it must end.