Two of my boys have moved on.... blown by the winds of change through the waves heading towards unknown shores.....
OK, perhaps I've gone overboard with the nautical and ocean references, but there are so many metaphors! To digress for a moment, I had a fascinating dream just the other night: I dreamed I was homeless and had to live in a shelter. This clearly reflects my fears about my finances (having some large phone bills and getting behind in many others, due to the boys being with me) and even losing my job -- however I was starting a private practice as a social worker and hopeful that I'd be on my feet soon. I had been referred a case, and was interviewing three people involved in the life of a fifteen year old girl. Eventually I began to get a picture of what was going on and why the girl was having various problems, and my plan was to counsel the parties involved and then talk to the girl herself. So I was very pleased with myself, that I solved the case, and would be getting more referrals.
I told this dream to some friends, and one, who is a psychologist, asked if I had actually though in terms of "solving the case" and I said yes I did, and it makes perfect sense to me! Similar to detective work, social work can involve putting together pieces of information from various sources and people in order to have a clear perception of the situation and/or person(s) who have problems ("challenges" is the politically correct term). My friend thought this was interesting and that he had not heard social work described in this way before, and he reflected upon the usefulness of using metaphors. And to think, I may have invented this metaphor for myself which I think will be very useful -- to think in terms of being a "private detective" in my "private practice".
It's odd (to continue digressing) - that I do seem to have a private social work "practice" -- one that I didn't plan, didn't seek out, and don't get paid for! Certainly I did, and do, want to start some sort of practice working with youth, but it appears that it is already happening here at home. Group home, drop-in center for recreation and social time, and counseling. Just today two girls came over, ostensibly to see one of the girls' boyfriend, but they seemed quite happy that he wasn't home and to be talking to me. The girlfriend seems to think I am her counselor and she makes numerous efforts to talk to me by phone and, when she is here, to tell me all the details of her family problems. Her friend had been texting me, trying to get an "appointment", and today she sat down, ran through a brief version of her history and described recent dramatic events (she had recently been hospitalized for an emotional outburst), then said she felt better.
Both girls have or had counselors, and are used to talking about their issues. Fortunately for me I had just returned from seeing my therapist!
Now I have digressed so long I cannot get back. How I need some calmer waters - to drift, to reflect on what I have experienced! The two brothers moved out this weekend; it was rather sudden but their parents were unable to pay for the heat and electricity at the house in Indiana, so they took the first apartment that was acceptable. I miss them, and wonder what they are doing, how they are doing. But the drama at the end was almost overwhelming, and it involved a triangle of the brothers and "Jerry's" girlfriend, a lack of "weed" to keep them calm, some damage to property (mine -- a chair, some broken glass, a kitchen cabinet kicked in), and an ambulance and trip to the ER. Everyone is fine - physically, at least, but I am by no means finished with these boys. My car is in the body shop, which gives me a perfect excuse to stay home and relax, but they will no doubt want me to pick them up soon, take them somewhere, and to come over and hang out. I believe they would have remained living here had I given them the option; however I made it clear they can come and stay sometimes, preferably on weekends, and I am still their "aunt" - as everyone calls me now. Indeed, they are like family to me.
The third boy, my parolee, has had a run of bad luck. Just yesterday he was arrested for something he said he didn't do, a misdemeanor battery charge, and there are all sorts of "challenges" involving his situation. No word yet on his transfer to Indiana. He has been out for the most part these last two days, so as I said, I have a little chance to rest before the next crisis. In spite of all the difficulties I have had - and there are many I have not written about yet - I am happy with my choices and feel I have done the right thing. Oh, not every little choice has been right, or good, but on the whole I believe I have made a little bit of an impact, maybe a tiny dent in the masculine armor boys are required to wear. And I have gathered so many, many clues on my path to solving the case!! The Case of the .................. well, I'll leave that title for another time. There will always be more metaphors.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Breakers ahead?
I love using these nautical terms.... and have decided to look up more of them and learn some of their meanings.
Well I don't know if things will be crashing or not. The boys are still with me; there have been numerous incidents, the primary ones involving the car and with members of a rival gang. The car incidents -- not counting the flat tires & fender benders I've had this difficult winter (yet another flat tire today) - have been with the boys staying out too late, not calling or answering the phone, and then, to top it off, lying. These are all behaviors to be expected by young people who have learned no discipline, no boundaries, no trust, and have almost no hope for the future.
Of all the things they do, the lying bothers me the most, especially by the two brothers, since I have known them for so long and thought that they trusted me enough by now to tell the truth. With "Ken", as I will call him, the boy on parole, I would almost expect more lies. Instead I get possibly a bit more truth, but less respect. His efforts to get along with me, to help in some way with housecleaning or even contributing to groceries, have deteriorated over the last few weeks. In addition, he has become angier and more belligerent, swearing and talking back, but mostly under the guise of joking around.
Now, I do have a temper. And Ken has seen me lose it a few times, and unfortunately, in spite of my warning him I am not always "nice", he appears to have been thrown by it. The other two have seen this side of me many times now, and while they don't always take my anger well they do take it in stride on the whole. Usually I apoligize if I've been over the top. The one night I became angry & later apoligized, it seems Ken didn't hear me. So he thinks I'm crazy. He wants to leave before I throw him out. We had two clashes over the car in two days, and in spite of the specific reason for my anger --- that he had the car out too long -- he somehow seemed to feel he was being treated badly. I admit that my feelings of sympathy/empathy for him went down the tubes during this time period, as he seemed utterly clueless as to the fact that this is my car and he cannot just do with it as he likes. Even after coming in at 4 a.m. - when the boys had been out in someone else's car then came back and took mine (I had wanted to take the key away but didn't) - and I came very close to calling the police since I had specifically said do not take the car -- he was arguing with me and telling me I was the one in the wrong.
I should know better than to take the bait with these guys; sometimes I can walk away and sometimes not. That morning I did walk away. The next day he took the car for far too long again, twice. The first time he'd had it cleaned and it was very nice, but then afterwards wanted me to thank him for spending this money I didn't ask him to spend -- in fact, I would have preferred he used the money for food!! Then he was supposed to bring me lunch back and when he eventually returned it was with a friend and no lunch. I was livid. That was when we agreed he needs to transfer his parole to Indiana, where his mother is.
As to the situation with Jim (his brother has been gone, staying with his girlfriend): that day at 4 a.m. I confronted him with his behavior and how I know he's been lying to me for quite some time now. This is the boy I had trusted the most; I had thought he was past lying to me and in fact would tell others it's better to be honest with me. I knew there was some envy or resentment about Ken living with us now, and usurping his place as my "favorite" (for a time) but did not understand how he could have gotten so much worse. Or had I been fooled all along?
The next day, however, he told me he had left me some messages on MySpace. This was such a blessing, because as someone who has a hard time talking to people in person, he had become used to writing me letters when he was in jail, and has been getting used to writing emails as a method of communication. In these messages he admitted it was his idea to take the car, and why, expressed some of the feelings about Ken, and asked if he could stay until the end of the month like we'd said. He said if he has to leave now he won't go to Indiana to stay with his parents. He said he had stopped trusting me and started lying again because, on the first night Ken was here, he had become upset, called me, and we talked -- and I had told Ken. And yes, I can trace the change in his behavior since that day.
And yes, I did violate his trust by talking about that incident -- being all chatty with Ken because I was happy he was out. So I emailed Jim back, and apololgized, admitted I was wrong. thanked him for being honest.... then we talked in person, and I said "you know I don't want you to go" and that he could stay. Since that day, which was less than a week ago, he has been cheerful, open and friendly with me. Thank God for clearing the air.
My talk with Ken did not go so well. Because I was not getting any sense of responsibility from him, or admitting he was in any way wrong, I did not suggest he stay with me. I told him we would just wait & see what his parole officer says about his going to Indiana. I knew he didn't want to leave Chicago, but I also knew he had/has nowhere else to go here but my house, and never planned for him to stay indefinitely. Initially I did think he could stay longer, but that was before some illegal actions and his almost gleeful delight in threatening some rival gang members with a knife. His manner of speaking to me can be dealth with; behavior is tougher.
Just my luck, it turns out that here, in this nice neighborhood, there is only one gang in the area (I looked it up on Chicagogangs.org), and they happen to be rivals of the gang my boys are in. The boys are not currently gang-banging, and in fact the brothers never did get to too heavily involved (but make no mistake, their identity is quite tied up with gang mentality). Ken has always been more involved, taken it even more seriously, and after a few incidents with these rivals (who actually at times hang out in my building's vestibule!!!) such as shouting slogans, he went out to get something from the car late at night and encountered two drunk rivals. I believe Ken was lurking in the alley, having come out the back door, when he heard them -- but then decided to step out and face them. I don't know who reacted first but he pulled out a knife and threatened them, and they ran.
He came back very worked up; he said he wished he'd have stabbed one of them. He said it's been like this since he was 8 years old -- he gets an adrenaline rush from fighting. Reminders about going back to jail bring the response "oh well". It's not that he doesn't care about the risk of going back at all, but at times he doesn't care. Since he never did make it to the car, I had to go. It's an odd world when it's safer for a woman to go out in the street at 2 in the morning than a young man.
So in my book, it's best that Ken goes, before something happens that can't be fixed. Since that incident he brings up the rivals frequently, looking for a chance to fight. Jim and his little brother "Jerry" do not want to get into fights, or anything else that will get them into trouble and back in jail -- especailly Jim. Yet because of gang loyalty I'm afraid if something were to go down they would back Ken up, with disatrous results.
It's not that Ken doesn't want to be "good"; he does in a way, and would like to have the same things we all want: a nice home, security, someone to love, fun things to do.. etc., and while he can be deliberately cruel at times he really does not mean to hurt anyone. This is the therapist in me talking right now, but I believe the desire to fight, to cause chaos, is a form of taking out his anger and frustration at what has been a very difficult life and upbringing. Jim and Jerry have similar backgrounds (violence, drugs, poverty, families with little education) but perhaps they are a built differently -- and/or maybe are calmer because of my being a "aunt" in their lives for around 5 years, being there for them no matter what, taking them to places to have some innocent fun, out to eat, etc. Having built that trust may give them a slight advantage -- Ken does not have that history with me. I did meet him when he was14 and was his counselor for a short time but circumstances kept that from continuing. In any case, I have realized it would take a lot of time to establish a good relationship with him, and built real trust. As I have recently seen, trust can be easily lost by a careless move, at least temporarily. Also Ken is or was at one time diagnosed as ADHD, and both I & my therapist think that most people so labelled are actually very intelligent, highly motivated people who don't have the support or resources to use their minds and creativity in a contructive way. Ken is so smart, picks up on things very quickly, he's very artistic (did tattoos in jail), and has a wit that borders on scarcasm much of the time.
While I would like to continue to work with him, to be there for him, I do not want to put my life or the other boys' in jeapordy while Ken has growing pains & learning experiences. Which is something we all have!
Well I don't know if things will be crashing or not. The boys are still with me; there have been numerous incidents, the primary ones involving the car and with members of a rival gang. The car incidents -- not counting the flat tires & fender benders I've had this difficult winter (yet another flat tire today) - have been with the boys staying out too late, not calling or answering the phone, and then, to top it off, lying. These are all behaviors to be expected by young people who have learned no discipline, no boundaries, no trust, and have almost no hope for the future.
Of all the things they do, the lying bothers me the most, especially by the two brothers, since I have known them for so long and thought that they trusted me enough by now to tell the truth. With "Ken", as I will call him, the boy on parole, I would almost expect more lies. Instead I get possibly a bit more truth, but less respect. His efforts to get along with me, to help in some way with housecleaning or even contributing to groceries, have deteriorated over the last few weeks. In addition, he has become angier and more belligerent, swearing and talking back, but mostly under the guise of joking around.
Now, I do have a temper. And Ken has seen me lose it a few times, and unfortunately, in spite of my warning him I am not always "nice", he appears to have been thrown by it. The other two have seen this side of me many times now, and while they don't always take my anger well they do take it in stride on the whole. Usually I apoligize if I've been over the top. The one night I became angry & later apoligized, it seems Ken didn't hear me. So he thinks I'm crazy. He wants to leave before I throw him out. We had two clashes over the car in two days, and in spite of the specific reason for my anger --- that he had the car out too long -- he somehow seemed to feel he was being treated badly. I admit that my feelings of sympathy/empathy for him went down the tubes during this time period, as he seemed utterly clueless as to the fact that this is my car and he cannot just do with it as he likes. Even after coming in at 4 a.m. - when the boys had been out in someone else's car then came back and took mine (I had wanted to take the key away but didn't) - and I came very close to calling the police since I had specifically said do not take the car -- he was arguing with me and telling me I was the one in the wrong.
I should know better than to take the bait with these guys; sometimes I can walk away and sometimes not. That morning I did walk away. The next day he took the car for far too long again, twice. The first time he'd had it cleaned and it was very nice, but then afterwards wanted me to thank him for spending this money I didn't ask him to spend -- in fact, I would have preferred he used the money for food!! Then he was supposed to bring me lunch back and when he eventually returned it was with a friend and no lunch. I was livid. That was when we agreed he needs to transfer his parole to Indiana, where his mother is.
As to the situation with Jim (his brother has been gone, staying with his girlfriend): that day at 4 a.m. I confronted him with his behavior and how I know he's been lying to me for quite some time now. This is the boy I had trusted the most; I had thought he was past lying to me and in fact would tell others it's better to be honest with me. I knew there was some envy or resentment about Ken living with us now, and usurping his place as my "favorite" (for a time) but did not understand how he could have gotten so much worse. Or had I been fooled all along?
After expressing how I was fed up with him for the lies, and telling him he & his brother need to leave my house sooner than we had agreed, I spoke to him very gently and lovingly the next day. I said I didn't want him to go but things have become too stressful for me, and that included the lying and his previous loss of temper with me. He has shown he can keep his temper when he wants to -- he has since I told them they need to be out by the end of February. I told him all the incidents I know about where he had lied, or denied knowing the truth, and told him I felt betrayed and did not understand how he could be this way. I told him I wanted to be able to part on good terms so I can still be in his life. As usual he said nothing.
The next day, however, he told me he had left me some messages on MySpace. This was such a blessing, because as someone who has a hard time talking to people in person, he had become used to writing me letters when he was in jail, and has been getting used to writing emails as a method of communication. In these messages he admitted it was his idea to take the car, and why, expressed some of the feelings about Ken, and asked if he could stay until the end of the month like we'd said. He said if he has to leave now he won't go to Indiana to stay with his parents. He said he had stopped trusting me and started lying again because, on the first night Ken was here, he had become upset, called me, and we talked -- and I had told Ken. And yes, I can trace the change in his behavior since that day.
And yes, I did violate his trust by talking about that incident -- being all chatty with Ken because I was happy he was out. So I emailed Jim back, and apololgized, admitted I was wrong. thanked him for being honest.... then we talked in person, and I said "you know I don't want you to go" and that he could stay. Since that day, which was less than a week ago, he has been cheerful, open and friendly with me. Thank God for clearing the air.
My talk with Ken did not go so well. Because I was not getting any sense of responsibility from him, or admitting he was in any way wrong, I did not suggest he stay with me. I told him we would just wait & see what his parole officer says about his going to Indiana. I knew he didn't want to leave Chicago, but I also knew he had/has nowhere else to go here but my house, and never planned for him to stay indefinitely. Initially I did think he could stay longer, but that was before some illegal actions and his almost gleeful delight in threatening some rival gang members with a knife. His manner of speaking to me can be dealth with; behavior is tougher.
Just my luck, it turns out that here, in this nice neighborhood, there is only one gang in the area (I looked it up on Chicagogangs.org), and they happen to be rivals of the gang my boys are in. The boys are not currently gang-banging, and in fact the brothers never did get to too heavily involved (but make no mistake, their identity is quite tied up with gang mentality). Ken has always been more involved, taken it even more seriously, and after a few incidents with these rivals (who actually at times hang out in my building's vestibule!!!) such as shouting slogans, he went out to get something from the car late at night and encountered two drunk rivals. I believe Ken was lurking in the alley, having come out the back door, when he heard them -- but then decided to step out and face them. I don't know who reacted first but he pulled out a knife and threatened them, and they ran.
He came back very worked up; he said he wished he'd have stabbed one of them. He said it's been like this since he was 8 years old -- he gets an adrenaline rush from fighting. Reminders about going back to jail bring the response "oh well". It's not that he doesn't care about the risk of going back at all, but at times he doesn't care. Since he never did make it to the car, I had to go. It's an odd world when it's safer for a woman to go out in the street at 2 in the morning than a young man.
So in my book, it's best that Ken goes, before something happens that can't be fixed. Since that incident he brings up the rivals frequently, looking for a chance to fight. Jim and his little brother "Jerry" do not want to get into fights, or anything else that will get them into trouble and back in jail -- especailly Jim. Yet because of gang loyalty I'm afraid if something were to go down they would back Ken up, with disatrous results.
It's not that Ken doesn't want to be "good"; he does in a way, and would like to have the same things we all want: a nice home, security, someone to love, fun things to do.. etc., and while he can be deliberately cruel at times he really does not mean to hurt anyone. This is the therapist in me talking right now, but I believe the desire to fight, to cause chaos, is a form of taking out his anger and frustration at what has been a very difficult life and upbringing. Jim and Jerry have similar backgrounds (violence, drugs, poverty, families with little education) but perhaps they are a built differently -- and/or maybe are calmer because of my being a "aunt" in their lives for around 5 years, being there for them no matter what, taking them to places to have some innocent fun, out to eat, etc. Having built that trust may give them a slight advantage -- Ken does not have that history with me. I did meet him when he was14 and was his counselor for a short time but circumstances kept that from continuing. In any case, I have realized it would take a lot of time to establish a good relationship with him, and built real trust. As I have recently seen, trust can be easily lost by a careless move, at least temporarily. Also Ken is or was at one time diagnosed as ADHD, and both I & my therapist think that most people so labelled are actually very intelligent, highly motivated people who don't have the support or resources to use their minds and creativity in a contructive way. Ken is so smart, picks up on things very quickly, he's very artistic (did tattoos in jail), and has a wit that borders on scarcasm much of the time.
While I would like to continue to work with him, to be there for him, I do not want to put my life or the other boys' in jeapordy while Ken has growing pains & learning experiences. Which is something we all have!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
How to ride the tide?
A quick update as I sit here alone, for a change, with the boys out in my car.... Well, it appears almost everyone thinks I'm wrong, for taking these guys in. That it's a good hearted but foolish move. So the message I get, over and over, is that having a good heart is wrong, that having trust and hope is foolish, that selfishness is where it's at. If I sound bitter perhaps I am, or at least very sad.
Since I last posted the boy "Jim" did get out of jail, and going from being very happy to very, very stressed out in the space of two days caused me to tell he and his brother that they have to move out in a month. I actually gave them the date February 22, having had that day in my mind for something else, but the point is that we are moving towards closure -- or at least, I am. After a week of some hostility, some use of the silent treatment on the boys' part, they are back to business as usual. No, actually, they are a tiny bit humbler, and better behaved. Yet as I practice detachment with love (as the Alanon's say) I am watchful for an angry outburst, another lie, or another theft - because these things are sure to come yet again. It is the lies that disturb me the most, and the outbursts come a close second. Lurking behind both is the defense mechanism of "I didn't do it. I am right. I am right because I cannot be wrong, I would feel too awful. I am not bad; I can't admit to anything or you will think I am a bad person". This, after several years of building relationships, gaining trust, learning to trust them - or so I thought. It is heart wrenching; some might say heart breaking but mine is not broken.
However, the common viewpoint is follow your heart and you will be hurt, used, in serious trouble by association (drugs, violence), and you won't have a life of your own. Granted, I do want my life back, lonely as I know it will be, but that is to be able to process and write and learn and move on to my next project, which will still be all about young people like "my" boys.
And yes, I want less stress, less demands on my time and patience and sanity.... and no, of course I do not want to get in trouble - arrested, evicted, car crashed or any number of scenarios that could happen. But do I want to live my life in fear and worry of "what if"? Do I want to only play it safe, play by others' rules? Obviously not, since I don't. Still, it's disappointing, because I contacted a man who's an ex-offender (was in prison in his early 20's), who obtained a PhD and works with court systems and ex-offenders now, who advocates for them, for giving them chances, and tells their stories -- yet he is in the camp of I'm a "good hearted fool" also. No one uses the word "fool" but they might as well.
I was looking for some guidance on how to work with these boys, where to start to help them, and what I got was they are not motivated, you are at risk, you must get them out before something really bad happens. And warnings that they might go into rages when I try to ask them to leave, they might try to beg or manipulate me into being able to stay. Well, rages are not uncommon for Jim, but that has nothing to do with my seemingly rejecting him. If anything the boys seem to understand that I am doing them a favor, I don't have to do this and they at least sometimes seem to want to be good while they are here. They mess with me, joke around, insult me and are scarcastic, but at the end of the day they appear to respect me and do what I ask more times than not.
And in the spirit of logic, I wrote out a "pros & cons" type list last night. On one column I wrote all the bad things they have done, including things I think they did but lied about. On the other column I wrote all the positive things they have done or I have observed; changes from early behavior included. Granted, the positive things are for the most part quite small -- like Jim starting to bring his dishes in the kitchen, or taking the garbage out without being asked -- but they are positive nonetheless. The conclusion? The columns are equal length.
As much as the fear dogs me and and warnings continue to come, as much as I agree I am probably "enabling" them in the clinical sense of the word -- by not allowing them to follow their own paths, learn by their own mistakes -- I still feel, in my heart of hearts, that for now this is the right thing to do. Yet it must end, at some point it must end.
Since I last posted the boy "Jim" did get out of jail, and going from being very happy to very, very stressed out in the space of two days caused me to tell he and his brother that they have to move out in a month. I actually gave them the date February 22, having had that day in my mind for something else, but the point is that we are moving towards closure -- or at least, I am. After a week of some hostility, some use of the silent treatment on the boys' part, they are back to business as usual. No, actually, they are a tiny bit humbler, and better behaved. Yet as I practice detachment with love (as the Alanon's say) I am watchful for an angry outburst, another lie, or another theft - because these things are sure to come yet again. It is the lies that disturb me the most, and the outbursts come a close second. Lurking behind both is the defense mechanism of "I didn't do it. I am right. I am right because I cannot be wrong, I would feel too awful. I am not bad; I can't admit to anything or you will think I am a bad person". This, after several years of building relationships, gaining trust, learning to trust them - or so I thought. It is heart wrenching; some might say heart breaking but mine is not broken.
However, the common viewpoint is follow your heart and you will be hurt, used, in serious trouble by association (drugs, violence), and you won't have a life of your own. Granted, I do want my life back, lonely as I know it will be, but that is to be able to process and write and learn and move on to my next project, which will still be all about young people like "my" boys.
And yes, I want less stress, less demands on my time and patience and sanity.... and no, of course I do not want to get in trouble - arrested, evicted, car crashed or any number of scenarios that could happen. But do I want to live my life in fear and worry of "what if"? Do I want to only play it safe, play by others' rules? Obviously not, since I don't. Still, it's disappointing, because I contacted a man who's an ex-offender (was in prison in his early 20's), who obtained a PhD and works with court systems and ex-offenders now, who advocates for them, for giving them chances, and tells their stories -- yet he is in the camp of I'm a "good hearted fool" also. No one uses the word "fool" but they might as well.
I was looking for some guidance on how to work with these boys, where to start to help them, and what I got was they are not motivated, you are at risk, you must get them out before something really bad happens. And warnings that they might go into rages when I try to ask them to leave, they might try to beg or manipulate me into being able to stay. Well, rages are not uncommon for Jim, but that has nothing to do with my seemingly rejecting him. If anything the boys seem to understand that I am doing them a favor, I don't have to do this and they at least sometimes seem to want to be good while they are here. They mess with me, joke around, insult me and are scarcastic, but at the end of the day they appear to respect me and do what I ask more times than not.
And in the spirit of logic, I wrote out a "pros & cons" type list last night. On one column I wrote all the bad things they have done, including things I think they did but lied about. On the other column I wrote all the positive things they have done or I have observed; changes from early behavior included. Granted, the positive things are for the most part quite small -- like Jim starting to bring his dishes in the kitchen, or taking the garbage out without being asked -- but they are positive nonetheless. The conclusion? The columns are equal length.
As much as the fear dogs me and and warnings continue to come, as much as I agree I am probably "enabling" them in the clinical sense of the word -- by not allowing them to follow their own paths, learn by their own mistakes -- I still feel, in my heart of hearts, that for now this is the right thing to do. Yet it must end, at some point it must end.
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